Japanese Husbands to Receive “Secret” Gov’t Stimulus Checks
Fearful that large sums of its kyufukin stimulus money is sitting idle in savings accounts, the government has devised a plan to distribute the funds to married Japanese men without their wives’ knowledge. Politicians hope that this money will immediately be pumped back into the economy in the form of alcohol sales, pachinko losses and sex workers.The plan was formulated after a finance ministry study revealed that women, who generally run family finances, intended to spend the stimulus money on “bills, savings and aromatherapy instruction.”
When interviewed by The Negi, passersby at Shinagawa in Tokyo appeared to wholeheartedly support the plan. “Oh, I’ll probably use a little bit [of the money] each day so I can get some extra pork topping on my ramen,” said one middle-aged corporate worker. “Maybe buy some nihonshu that’s not in a carton. Oh, and definitely a nice present for my Miko. She’s the hardest working girl at the kyabakura.”
Gov’t Asks Int’l Couples to Limit Public displays of affection to Check Spread of Swine Flu
As the number of newly diagnosed swine flu cases dwindles, health officials are optimistic that Japan has averted a full-blown pandemic. Credit is being given to a rapid medical response, warming seasonal temperatures, and near-zero levels of physical intimacy among the population.
Fears, however, are now centered on a surge in new cases among non-Japanese who make physical contact with others. The health ministry has released a special set of recommendations for international couples who, against social norms, hug and even kiss their partners and family members.
“We ask those foreigners in relationships with local Japanese to please refrain from hand-holding, kissing and hugging,” said government spokesman Eichi Niida. “For the sake of public health, please refrain from displaying affection; instead, please bury your feelings deep inside. Likewise, we call on Japanese couples to refrain from their semi-annual hug and to limit interaction with their children to a slight bow and grunt (if you are not already doing so).”
Gov’t To Reduce CO2 Emissions by Limiting Use of Phrase “Ehhhhhtoooo…”
As part of an environmental initiative being trumpeted as the “Green New Deal,” the government has come up with a daring new plan: requiring Japanese speakers to limit their use of “Ehhhtoooo…” to less than one second in duration. The new statute, which will also cap the use of the filler at twice per sentence, is based on a research study which revealed that the average Japanese person employs the phrase for as long as 3-4 seconds, and that it comprises as much as 60 percent of overall speech.
Environment Minister Anone Oguchi clarified the regulations at a press conference in Nagatacho. “As with the success of our Cool Biz initiative, we hope we can lower the unnecessary release of carbon dioxide into the earth’s atmosphere by limiting the amount to which citizens, particularly elderly government-employed men like myself, pollute the air with our unnecessary vocal noises.”
From Metropolis#793
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